Missing Vinnie

Well . . . We made it. I thought for sure that 2013 was going to be better than 2012. Easier maybe ~ more fun, more laughs. I didn't anticipate January 28, 2013. Never would have guessed that you were going to leave us. I needed you. I knew it, you knew it. We had Robot's big surgery coming up. I had {still have} gardening & other homemaking and LIFE questions to ask. There is a 4yr old little SpitFire that NEEDS her Twin SpitFire Vinnie. It kills me daily how much she misses you. My LittleOnes have no closure, their Vinnie was just ~ GONE. And it hurts. Oh how it hurts their little hearts that they couldn't see you. They couldn't say "GoodBye". 

I can't even begin to imagine what they must be going through. To be so young and lose someone so vital to our Family ~ and NOT get to say GoodBye. Due to illness & schedules we made it to the hospital only twice during the 7 week ordeal. On Christmas Day & my Birthday. The four of us drove out to the Hospital together. Then the looks of pain & even betrayal in their eyes when they weren't allowed into the ward . . . I hope I lose those memories someday. 

On the other hand, I have 3 wonderful memories to cling to {painful though they may be}.
1.  After Thanksgiving {maybe 2 weeks before she got sick} the Family & I went out to the Farm and spent some time chatting with Vinnie & Papa. Vinnie & I talked and talked {as we always did} for well over an hour. We talked a lot about my sewing. She had never quite 'gotten the hang of it' & she wanted to know what I was learning and doing & even asked me to make some new curtains for her LivingRoom. I was honored! She passed her Mama's sewing machine down to me and we decided that I would come back 
and pick it up in the new year . . . yeah ~ that hasn't yet happened. Maybe 
someday soon. ♥ We just shared some wonderful fellowship and {as usual} I learned a thing or two.

2.  On my Birthday {2 weeks before Vinnie left us} I got back to Gainesville for a 2nd visit. She was awake this time {unsedated} & lightly restrained {because she wanted to break out ~ hard headed Lady ♥ }. 

Vinnie was upset & panicky ~ she absolutely DESPISED for her Grandchildren to see her in less than 'perfect' condition. I was so Thankful that I was able to soothe her and then talk to her. She couldn't speak due to a trache {that drove her bOnKeRs ): }, but I was able to understand a few things that she attempted to tell me. I told her about what the Children were up to {we had just signed Robot up for Piano & Ruffles for Ballet} and I even told her the secret about Hubbs' new job. I figured Vinnie deserved some Happy news - and she had been waiting to hear it! At one point during our visit she looked away from me for a moment. When she turned back, I saw the most heartbreaking expression in her eyes. It was bothering her again ~ that she wasn't perfect, and she so desperately wanted to be HOME. I did something that I would have NEVER in a thousand lifetimes have imagined myself doing to this Strong, Vivacious, Independent Woman. I cupped her face in my hand and shushed, cooed & comforted her as a child. I cried with her and told her how very much she was LOVED and that we were Praying & rooting for her to COME HOME SOON. {The prognosis was positive at that point. We were looking at another month or so to have Vinnie back in her home.} I kissed her goodnight, walked out into the main hallway . . . & cried like a helpless child. 

3. The Last Day. They called us that morning - said Vinnie had developed blood poisoning. She was crashing & had very little time left. I told my Littles & held them while we cried. I called one of my Sisters to tell her and then arranged our drive over to Gainesville. We got dressed and then waited on Hubbs & AuntSister to arrive. At the rehab hospital {ironic right} we only had one chance to visit because there were so many Family members & Friends rushing over to say "GoodBye" {she was Blessed}. But it was a GOOD visit. Our Papa was there, holding her hand and AuntSister & I joined him. Vinnie was awake & aware of her surroundings and visitors. ALWAYS a Blessing. 
AuntSister was 9 months pregnant at this time & we got to tell Vinnie some wonderful updates about BabyB. The nurses lowered her bed waaay down so she could see 'him' & I told Vinnie how much I would miss having him in there because when AuntSister laughed her belly shook like SantaClaus. Then {somehow} I made her laugh and Vinnie got to see the belly bounce ~ & she chuckled! ♥  I Pray that to my dying day I will always see the expression on her face as she 'talked' with us that morning. It was so priceless ~ full of wonder, awe & love at what was happening with the Families that SHE helped to create. 

I fully believe that Grandmothers are one of God's truly GREATEST GIFTS to mankind ~ apart from Jesus & Salvation of course.  (O; I have been extremely Blessed in my lifetime to have been Loved {& Loved WELL} by quite a few of them ~ 6 to be exact {with 2 still on this Earth}!  These past 12 months have been . . . difficult, harsh, lacking, painful, empty . . . to say the least.  I do still need my Vinnie, I was only just beginning to learn from her. At this point we 
still haven't figured out the "how" of getting on with life without her, but I know that by just living our day to day ~ day by day ~ one morning we'll wake up and realize we've done it.  We Love You Vinnie & Miss You ~ Daily.  
♥ ♥ ♥ 

Weddings VS Marriage {Or 'Letting Go of Bitterness'!}

I decided to stay up late tonight, to hopefully get a bit of progress made on Ruffles' Halloween Costume {I did}. I found a short series on Netflix called 'Say Yes to the Dress:Randy Says'...usually 'SYTTD' leaves me feeling quite envious over the 'lack' in my Wedding Season {yes, even after almost 10 years}. Tonight however, I am Grateful. Grateful for a Husband that LOVES Me Endlessly & Spoils Me {as much as he can}. Grateful for another reminder that God STILL answers Prayer {mine yesterday was to erase lingering bitterness I carry in my heart...}. Grateful that in less than Three { !3! } Weeks, I will get to celebrate 10 Years of Marriage to the Most Wonderful Man that 'I Never Knew I Always Wanted'...even if we don't get to leave our little town to do it~I LOVE MTB TREMENDOUSLY. And I am GRATEFUL. ♥

I have come to grips with the reality that the 'family support' just wasn't there. I had no guidance on registration, planning, The Dress...anything. Okay~No Biggie. So I plan to BE THERE for Our Girl. I've watched other Mama's and 'studied' the Wedding Seasons of local Brides in recent years. 'Oh! That's how it's supposed to be done~Gotcha!'  Okay, that may sound bitter or sarcastic in your mind, but Seriously~I understand the 'why'~Even though I have two Mothers that Love me, neither of them got a Wedding at all. {In fact, we're still trying to convince our Daddy that he needs to 'Marry Mom RIGHT' one of these days.} So technically, they had no guidance to offer...

I have come to accept the fact that we had EXTREMELY limited funds to finance a Wedding. In fact, we I managed to 'DIY' the entire day for about $3000. That included my dress. {Side Note~Not only was that BEFORE Pinterest, but I didn't even know how to use the internet back then!} Yes, we both had full time jobs. Yes, we were given a few pre wedding gifts to use accordingly...but I had a Future MIL that was very ill and spent much time in hospital...40 mins away. And in the six {eight?} weeks leading up to the Wedding, she did not leave hospital due to a series of massive strokes that created much damage. We felt our time was much better spent with her. Sharing meals, sharing conversation, watching television, watching her sleep, keeping track of her care & well being. Driving 40 minutes one way {twice a day, 4-6 days a week} plus eating dinner can REALLY add up. So...there went our ''Last Minute Details'...'Fresh Floral Arrangements'...'Reception Refreshments'...'Honeymoon Funds'. ~And I wouldn't have it any other way. D knew that she was Loved. She knew that she was Cherished. And THAT is worth more than any Vera Wang Dress, Gorgeous Choreographed Ceremony, Rocking Reception & Fancy Honeymoon. Hands Down. Any Day. 

Still having a little trouble with the pictures though! { !-LOL-! } The. Pictures... Seriously...???...I just have no words to describe the 'awfulness' of that debacle! I say this jokingly now, but it actually took many years for M & I to get over recover from that experience. We met with {and paid most of the package price to} our photographer before we were actually engaged. M proposed in February {so romantic~but another story!} and it took until the end of August for the photographer to actually keep a date {aka NOT stand us up!} and do our engagement session. We were rushed. In our work clothes...and covered in mosquitoes. In our pictures there are literally mosquitoes feasting on us! Our package covered the Rehearsa & Dinner {he didn't show up}, PreWedding Prep {nada}, the Wedding {got that}, and Reception {got a few traditional 'corny' shots}. We celebrated our 1st Anniversary before we ever saw the proofs from the Wedding Day.  It took over three and a half years { !-3.5-! } to get our Wedding Album. We just took it out of the box {to display} this Summer. We really don't like to look at it~is that Sad? But our Kiddos love it. Bless Them.

But, as I stated before: Tonight I am Grateful. SO Very Grateful. And Yes~I would do it all again to marry M. ♥

My Dearest Little Loves

Sept 27, 2012  {12:05am}

Today was NOT A 'Great Day'. I was working on Sisters' 1st room {painting the closet} & ran out of paint about a minute too soon~literally. I couldn't get Brother to CON. CEN. TRATE. on his SchoolWork & even had to give spankin's at one point. Y'all were just all over me. All. Day. Made me understand why your Oma would 'change her name' all the time when I was growing up!  I needed some ALONE time. Some MOMMY time. A BREAK. And a Creative Outlet was in order...

I had EVERY intention of making bows tonight. We have vacation in 3 weeks...we are going to Disney World & have PROMISED you two a visit to Mickey's Halloween Party. Problem is~we have NO $$$ to buy tickets!!! I have an order to get out that will earn us almost enough for one ticket...and it needs to get finished so I can get paid! Not to mention I still have two little 'Cave People' costumes to begin...on top of every day life, schoolwork, chores, meals, errands, drs appts, a party in 2 wks and ongoing work in & on Sisters' room...

Instead of making bows {i.e. $$$}... I snuggled up on the sofa watching 'Dirty Jobs' & am now in the bed with the BOTH of you wrapped around my {Completely. Numb.} left arm...

I. Love. You. ♥

Chicken Tonight...???

Have you ever just thrown a bunch of stuff in the crock pot & hope it turns out okay?  I did that last night...

Frozen Chicken Breasts & Thighs, Chicken Broth, Cream of Chicken, Diced Tomatoes plus Cannellini Beans & Spices.  Today I added Chopped Frozen Collard Greens & Diced Onion and more spices {because crock pot meals WILL lose flavor over time...}.  

The smells are drool worthy...  ♥

PowerStruggle

How. On. Earth....Did I end up in bed { @1am } eating enjoying GuiltilyGobbling OREOS & MILK!?!  

I went into the kitchen to grab a baked egg!  I had decided that I needed to ease my rumbling tummy so I could sleep....I did eat two egg whites { I threw out the~7grams of fat per~yolks }...

I blame the Hubbs...HE was the one that reminded me of the blasted OREOS that I have successfully ignored all week.  

I Ate Six.  

At least they weren't 'Double Stuffed'.  

♥

Java Part Deux

Ruffles has CoffeeBreath...Lil'Stinker.  ♥